The Muggle Way
by Krathia
Summary: Harry struggles to teach his redeyed lover to do things the Muggle way. HPLV
1. Online

I got this idea from a dream I had...It was about my dog talking on a cell phone (don't ask), and a plotbunny leapt out from the dusty corners of my mind and bit me in the behind...Hey, that rhymes! Anyhow, here you go!

Disclaimer: It ain't mine

Warnings: it's rated M for a reason, folks...There's slash, and that's all I'm saying

Chapter 1: Online

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"Harry, what is this Em-Es-En?" Voldemort asked his green-eyed lover, who was sprawled comfortably on the black leather couch.

"Hum?"

The Boy-Who-Lived blinked opened his emerald eyes and his gaze settled on his beloved Dark Lord. He cocked his head like a bird, staring at Voldemort confusedly; trying to figure out what the elder man had just asked him. The Dark Lord was sitting in _his _favorite chair, wearing _his _sweater and messing around on _his _computer. Immediately, Harry jumped up from his position on the couch and in front of the red-eyed man.

"I told you not to touch that!"

Voldemort paid no attention to his young lover. He only leaned to the side and continued whatever he was doing. Harry whirled around, to find…

"TOM! Stop looking at that! That's – that's PORN!"

"Oh, shut up, Harry," Voldemort replied, rubbing the bulge in his pants, which was soon sat on by his very jealous Boy-Who-Lived.

After a moment of struggle, Harry managed to grab the mouse and he clicked frantically, attempting to close all the windows of pornography. Trying to reclaim the mouse, Tom grabbed Harry arm wildly, jabbed Harry in the stomach, which made the younger wizard's hand slip. Harry clicked anyway, and yelped helplessly as a flood of pictures of bondage popped up on the screen.

"Why Harry," Voldemort purred as he wrapped his arms around the smaller wizard. "I didn't know you were interested in those sorts of things…"

The taller wizard slipped his hand under Harry's shirt and groped his lover's smooth chest. Harry let out a soft moan and shifted slightly in Tom's lap, getting excited by the feel of Tom's hardened cock pressing into his right thigh. The green-eyed boy looked up at his lover, his mouth slightly open, his eyes begging for a kiss. Chuckling, the Dark Lord complied, unbuttoning Harry's shirt at the same time.

"Tom…" whined Harry after Voldemort has pulled away from the sweet kiss.

"Hmm?" he licked the younger wizard's nose teasingly. "Did you _want _something, Harry?"

The Potter glared at the Dark Lord mischievously before turning around and pressing a button on the computer's hard drive. Voldemort could only watch helplessly as the pictures of bondage on the computer faded and the screen turned black.

Being the invincible Dark Lord he was, Voldemort shifted his gaze onto his grinning Harry and narrowed his eyes dangerously, mentally smirking when the boy's smile faded. His hand found its way onto the smaller wizard's neck, and his eyes glinted as he felt Harry's fast pulse. Oh, Harry was nervous alright…

Tom moved his hand forward until it was resting on the back of Harry's neck, then he pushed his shirtless Boy-Who-Lived until he was pressing into his chest. The elder wizard leaned down and whispered, "You're going to pay for that." He took his lover into his arms, cuddling him safely into his tanned chest, and marched to the bedroom.

------- Three hours later -------

"I don't get it."

"What could you not get?" Harry exclaimed in frustration.

He had spent over fifteen minutes explained the wonders of MSN (or as Voldemort put it, Em-Es-En) to his lover, and now he was trying to teach Tom internet slang.

Tom looked at Harry accusingly and replied, "I still don't get what El-Oh-El means."

"Look…" Harry sighed, very exasperated with his lover. "The first 'L' means 'Laughs'. The 'O' means 'Out'. The second 'L' means 'Loud'. You put L-O-L together and you get Laughs Out Loud. It's so simple!"

Voldemort pondered over this piece of information for a few minutes, then asked, "So…it's the first letters of the first word? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"_Yes!_ L-O-L just means that something is funny!"

"But why don't they just say that it's funny? It's less confusing that way."

"Because 'it's funny' is longer to type than just 'lol'! It's – it's an abbreviation!"

Voldemort looked thoughtful for a brief moment, and then focused his eyes on the computer screen. "So El-Oh-El means that something is funny."

Harry threw up his hands, frustrated. "You've _just _figured that out? How the _hell_ did you manage to become a Dark Lord with that kind of intelligence?" he cried.

Voldemort ignored the insult and scrolled down the page with the mouse. Harry's MSN messenger conversation with his Muggle friend wasn't extremely interesting, but at least he could learn some basic Muggle communication here. He had to admit, Muggles were smarter than they looked. How could they possibly come up with abbreviations for a simple word like 'amusing'?

Voldemort stopped reading as his eyes came to rest upon a foreign word. Was this another 'slang term' of Harry's?

"What does this Ar-Oh-Ef-El mean?"

Harry looked up from his oh-so-interesting book and mentally spelled out the four-lettered word 'ROFL'. "Oh, that also means that something's funny. They're the first letters of words, just like L-O-L. It means: Rolls On Floor Laughing."

Thankfully, the Dark Lord understood this faster than he understood L-O-L. Within a dozen of seconds, he was nodding and scrolling down the page again.

Before long, he had found another abbreviation. By nine o'clock, Voldemort had understood what LOL, ROFL, LMAO stood for. To be frank, he was rather proud of himself.

Until he found another one.

From the looks of the sentence, the word did not mean that it was funny.

"Harry…" Tom's voice trailed away as he turned around to face his sleepy lover. "What does B-T-W mean?"

"Arrrrgh! Are you going to keep this up all night, you annoying prat?"

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So what do you think? Drop a review!


	2. DVD

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Harry Potter...

Yup, it's me again! It's a short chapter, but...yeah...

Chapter 2: DVD

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Harry plopped down on the pink sofa in the living room. He hadn't chosen the color, but Tom had insisted on this particular L-shaped couch, saying that it brought bout the emerald-green in Harry's gorgeous eyes. To tell the truth, Tom was very good at wooing Harry like that, considering the fact that he was a Dark Lord and that he had killed the boy's parents. The things he could easily make Harry blush like a Weasley.

Harry glomped his beloved Voldemort happily before asking, "What do you want to do today?"

It was, after all, the middle of July and they had nothing to do. It had been Hermione's idea to buy a Muggle house and live in it, 'just in case Dumbledore binds your magic one day' was her reason. His boyfriend was fine with the buying part, it was the living-in-it part that Tom did not like, but he did it anyway, to make Harry happy.

"I don't know," his lover answered lazily. "What do Muggles usually do on cloudy Sunday mornings?"

The smaller boy's eyes lit up suddenly. "Let's watch a movie together! I'll go find a nice DVD…" Harry skidded off to some other room.

The Dark Lord's stomach sank deep, deep down. _Oh no_, thought Voldemort. _Not the abbreviations again_. Imagine his surprise when Harry returned with a flat disk in his hand.

"Does this have anything to do with B-T-W?" wondered Tom, the events of previous night rushing back to him.

Harry paused for a brief moment in the middle of the living room, looking slightly confused, then realization dawned upon him and he rolled his eyes upward, as if praying for patience.

"Not at all, love," replied Harry with a laugh. "See, this thing –" he gestured to the multicolored disk "– is called a DVD."

Voldemort looked doubtful. "It looks like a shiny disk with a hole in the middle to me. Are we going to spend all day staring at that thing? Merlin, Muggles were more boring than I thought!"

Harry smacked the Dark Lord's left thigh playfully. "No, silly. Look, you press 'power' on the DVD player's remote control, then you press this button, which makes the thingy pop out. You put the DVD in there, then you press the button _again_, which'll make it go back in. Then, you need to put the TV on channel zero, then you press 'play'. After that, you have to fast-forward past all the ads and commercials until you get to the movie!" the Boy-Who-Lived smiled winningly.

Tom was staring at his lover with a baffled expression. When he was sure that the green-eyed wizard had finished, he said, "Whoa…You lost me there."

Harry sighed. It was going to be a very long morning…

"L-look," stammered the red-eyed man. "Why don't we go…shopping….at the kall?"

Harry hid behind his hands. "It's called a _mall_, Tom…"

"Okay, so…why don't we go there, instead of watching this…Dee-Vee-Dee?" he suggested.

Harry groaned helplessly. How he wished Hermione was here...

"Why the hell not? Let's go…"

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The 'Whoa, you lost me there' was from my friend...Apparently she was explaining math to her friend, so she said, "Okay, so this is a cube, right?" And the friend said: "'Whoa, you lost me there"

Now are you going to review or not?


	3. Plaza

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you see.

This is shadowstorm. shadowstorm is sad. Why? Because you didn't review (except for BlueEyes White Dragon Sorcerer: thankies!) and because her friend asked her to write something and she is idealess. But the latter isn't your fault. But please review, for my sake...

Chapter Three: Plaza

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A few hours earlier, the Dark Lord had suggested that they go to the mall, but Harry had insisted that they go by _Muggle travel _instead of Apparition. See that they had no car, they had to take 3 buses and the couple became very lost. Somehow, they ended up near a decent-looking plaza and Harry (still not willing to Apparate) had declared that they shall do their shopping there.

Shopping was one of the few Muggle things that the older Dark Wizard could comprehend, mostly because wizards did it often as well. So far they had visited Wal-Mart and Future Shop, and Voldemort was beginning to think that this wasn't half bad, but _this_ had definitely changed his mind. Muggles were just as scary as wizards when it came to shopping, perhaps even more…

"I want a doggie!"

"Mommy, can I -"

"Look at that parrot, Jake!"

"It's Nemo!"

The color had drained from Tom face as he took in the sight that lay before him. Noisy children, of all ages and sizes, were crowded around all kinds of different animals. Harry was smiling like an idiot as he took his lover by the hand and led him into the door of the pet shop.

_This is just going too far_, Tom thought in horror. _I have to stop this madness!_

"Harry…Why are we here?" he asked cautiously.

"Well…I thought that, you know…I wanted a pet…" Harry was looking at him sadly with those irresistible eyes.

"What! No, absolutely _not_! I have enough to deal with these days!"

"But…we're on vacation…"

"Well, we won't be on vacation after…uh…vacation's going to end soon!" Voldemort snapped, trying to hide the fact that he was not very good at math.

"But it's only the middle of July, I start school in September," argued the green-eyes boy.

Tom cursed mentally. "Dark Lords go to work sooner than you go to school."

"…really?"

"Yes!"

"Well then we should get a pet, after all, I'd be lonely when you go to do your Dark-Lordy business."

Tom sputtered helplessly.

Harry tugged on his hand. "Come _on_, please? I'll make it up to you tonight…"

Voldemort perked up at this offer and nodded grudgingly and let the boy pull him into the store.

"Can we get a dog?" Harry asked excitedly as he spotted a Golden Retriever.

"No, dogs smell too much."

"But doesn't their cute cuteness make up for it?"

"No, and you have a godfather who is practically a dog," sneered Voldemort.

"Hey!" Harry smacked him.

"Sorry."

"Fine, can we get a cat then?"

"No, Nagini will eat it." Tom replied.

"Not if you tell her not to."

"Well, I don't like cats. They're too Gryffindorish."

Harry turned to glare at the Dark Lord. "What wrong with being Gryffindorish?"

"Oh, nothing."

Harry huffed and pulled his lover to the other side of the store.

"What about some nice fish?"

Voldemort's eyes twitched.

"What about them?"

Harry wrinkled his nose and said: "Okay, I don't like fish that much either…Oh, let's get a parrot! They're so pretty, don't you think?"

"No, parrot's are not pretty, and we are not getting a bird of any kind. I'm patient enough to put up with your hellish owl all day long, but if you bring another bird into the house, I'll…I'll burn the house down!" threatened Voldemort, sounding very much like a hormone-changing rebellious teenager.

"What's wrong with Hedwig?" defended Harry.

"She _bites_ me, Harry!"

"Owls don't bite, they peck" replied the Boy-Who-Lived, remembering how a Ministry official had said 'Dementors don't run, they glide'.

"Whatever, she _pecks_ me!"

"Only because you always forget to feed her…and you're always saying that you'll feed her to Nagini someday."

"I don't care! We aren't getting a bird of _any_ kind!"

"Aw…"

---------- Ten minutes later ----------

Harry was grinning triumphantly as he let a very grumpy Tom Apparate them back to their Muggle house. The younger wizard set the cage on the table and said, "It's not that bad, Tom."

"Yes it is." Tom was refusing to look at him.

"C'mon, I said I'd make it up to you tonight."

Tom turned around in his chair and glared at his Harry. "You'd _better_, after buying that little horror."

Harry giggled. "What should we name him?"

"You do not name a hamster."

"Of course you do!" exclaimed Harry. "Hmm… How about Cookie? No, that's like calling an owl Pig…"

Voldemort sighed and closely examined the gray hamster. "Alright, we can name him Pluie, it's French for rain."

"What is it with you and French?" Harry muttered. "Alright, so where should Pluie live? Maybe in our room, I'm scared that Hedwig and Magini will devour him…"

"No!" roared Voldemort. "That little rodent is not sleeping in our bedroom!"

Confused at his lover's anger, he said, "Okay, it was just a suggestion…he can live in the study…"

A wave of relieve crashed over the Dark Lord as he picked up the cage and went off to the study.

A very confused Harry blinked at Tom's retreating back. Why was he feeling jealousy radiating off his lover? Why was Tom jealous of a hamster? All he did was suggest that the little thing sleep in their room…

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Please review...


	4. Food

**Disclaimer: Not mine**

**Chapter 4: Food**

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"Tom, you want to go to McDonald's for lunch?"

Voldemort blinked. "Where?"

Harry's eyes widened drastically and Pluie poked his nose between Harry's fingers, sniffing incessantly at the Dark Lord.

"You don't know McDonald's? How do you wizards _live_?"

Tom looked offended at this. "You're a wizard too, Harry. You're just too Mugglely."

"…_Mugglely_? How do you come up with these words?" he wondered, wrinkling his nose in amazement. "Let's just go to McDonald's, you'll see what you've been missing out on."

Tom grunted in discontentment at being told what to do, but rose and kissed Harry on the cheek.

"Alright, but can we Apparate there instead of taking the bus?" Tom asked politely, dreading the answer.

To his surprise, Harry answered with a quiet but content 'yes'. Voldemort kissed him passionately in relieved thanks and let Harry Apparate them to a plaza while their mouths were still connected.

"Mmng..."

Tom pulled away from Harry's delicious mouth after one final lick at his upper lip and looked around. Before him was a red-and-yellow building and the biggest yellow 'M' he ever saw.

"What did you call this place again, Harry?" Tom asked as they walked into the fast food restaurant.

"McDonald's. It was founded by Ronald McDonald, who's a clownish-looking guy who painted his face in red-and-white stripes. He scares me, but the food is really good…" Harry trailed off, squinting at the menu thoughtfully. "Can you see what's written up there? No? Let's get closer then."

Harry sauntered straight up to the counter and stared at the tiny lettering on the panels. A cashier walked by and looked at him as if he was the craziest guy in the world.

"Tom, what burger do you want?"

Voldemort blinked. "What's a burger?"

"Never mind…"

He spent a few more minutes glaring at the menu, then sighed and waited in line with his red-eyed lover. When it was_ finally_ their turn, Harry was extremely annoyed and Tom was no less confused about the Muggle World.

"We'll have two Big Macs and a cheeseburger and a fish burger," Harry snapped at the blonde cashier.

"Would you like fries with that?" the girl snapped back, not at all content with her job.

"Yes, the biggest goddamn ones you've got."

"Anything to drink?" she muttered, not at all offended with the green-eyed boy's language.

"Two large Pepsi's."

"Is that all?"

"Uh…throw in a Happy Meal…"

"Anything else, sir?"

"You don't give up, do you?" Harry bellowed furiously at the blonde.

"No sir, I don't," she said. With one final glare at Harry, she turned around and yelled out Harry's order.

The Boy-Who-Lived pulled Tom to the side grumpily and crossed his arms. Voldemort, looking terrified, decided not to bother the young man. An eternity later, someone slammed a tray in front of the couple. Glaring, Harry took the tray and began looking for a table. Thankfully, another couple was just leaving and Harry sat down in a yellow chair.

"I know, Tom, the service is terrible here. Which burger do you want?"

"What exactly is a burger?" the Dark Lord asked hesitantly, slightly afraid that Harry would get mad again.

"Well…it's like a sandwich, except there's no ham in it, but meat patties…and lettuce and cheese and stuff like that. It's better than it sounds," he added, noticing Tom's wrinkled nose.

"Alright…"

Voldemort lifted the Big Mac and slowly took a bite. He chewed slowly.

"Hey, this isn't half bad…" he replied thoughtfully and took another bite of the hamburger.

---------- A meal later ----------

"Arrgh! I can't believe her!"

"Calm down, love. It's not the end of the world," Tom pleaded, struggling not to laugh.

"Calm down? That bitch put a _girl_ toy in my Happy Meal!"

Voldemort burst out laughing and quickly pulled a fuming Harry into a kiss.

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**Do I get a review?**


	5. Discovery

Disclaimer: SHE DID IT, NOT ME!

Wow, I can't believe I got so many reviews! Keep them coming!

Sorry if this chapter's short, I am being bombarded by exams...

Somebody asked if Harry was PMSing or something in the last chapter...he is acting weird isn't he?

**Chapter 5: Discovery**

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With two large paper grocery bags in his arms, Tom pressed the doorbell and waited for Harry. He would have been fine with nice plastic bags, but apparently that contributed to global warming and Harry had _insisted_ that that would be bad.

---**Flashback**---

"_No, Tom, paper bags are recyclable and plastic bags aren't. Recycling means saving energy! Plastic stuff is just going to lay around for hundreds of years and animals are going to eat them and die of suffocation or something. So save them some pain and use the paper bags."_

"_Why should I care what happens to animals?" protested the Dark Lord._

_Harry smacked him on the shoulder._

"_That kind of attitude is the reason why you haven't been able to take over the world yet. And Pluie heard that, apologize to him right now!" Harry demanded, stroking the cute grey hamster in his hand. _

"_He's just a hamster!"_

"_He is not just a hamster, he's a _female _hamster! It's a _she_!" _

"_Since when?" Voldemort protested._

"_Since I saw the sticker on the bottom of her cage that says _Female Hamster_. Now apologize to her!"_

_Tom, wondering if Harry was PMSing or something, sighed and reluctantly said sorry to the nose-twitching critter. _

---**End flashback**---

Tom tapped his foot in irritation before ringing the doorbell again. He had been waiting for at least a minute. Where the hell was Harry?

He set the two brown _paper_ bags on the cement ground and fumbled in his pocked for the key. Before long he was between his fingers and he had opened the door. It looked like Harry wasn't in the house.

Shrugging, Voldemort carried the groceries into the kitchen and began sorting the vegetables into the refrigerator, or, as Tom liked to call it, the 'big white cold box'.

---------- An hour later ----------

The Dark Lord was panicking. Harry _still _wasn't home and it had been _a whole frigging hour_! There wasn't a note on any of the doors; Voldemort was quite sure, as he had checked every door in the house. There weren't any messages on the message machine. Harry did not phone him or owl him.

What had happened to Harry?

A _ding-dong_ sounded in the house. A worried Tom perked up and bolted for the front door. He flung open the door and jumped as the door nearly smacked back into him, his eyes glued to the figure before him.

"Granger, what are you doing here?"

"Gee, that's a great way to say hello, Tom…" Hermione stepped in and brushed past a now very worried Tom, casually glancing around.

"Hey, who said you could come in?"

"I did. Where's Harry?" wondered the bushy-haired girl.

"So he wasn't with you?"

Tom's face fell.

"You don't know where Harry is?" Hermione turned around to face him, slightly alarmed.

"No…it's been an hour, and there isn't a note or a message or _anything_…"Tom paced in the living room, wringing his hands.

"Really? Hmm…"

She walked into the kitchen, and gasped.

Curious and slightly afraid, Tom followed her into the room and stared down at the table.

There, on the black wooden table, was a message scrawled in white chalk and giant lettering, a message that no one could possibly miss:

'_The boy has been kidnapped. Do not call the police'_

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**Dun dun dunnnnnn...**


	6. Worries

No, I'm not dead or anything. Just incrediblely bored and idealess. whimpers Role-playing has been draining my brainpower... Sorry for not updating and the horribly horrible and short chapter...

Disclaimer: not mine dammit.

**Chapter 6: Worries**

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Tom was sitting on the pink sofa, staring into space glumly as police officers rushed in and out of the house. Hermione was sitting beside him, reading her book. She was _always_ reading a book, no matter how serious the situation was.

The Dark Lord was confused. The message clearly said not to call the police, yet the Granger girl did not even hesitate to do so. Had the girl no common sense?

"Don't worry, Tom, they'll find Harry soon," Hermione murmured, turning a page in her book.

Voldemort said nothing. If anyone asked him, he'd say that these police people were just as incompetent as Aurors, if not more. How could these Muggles in black and white uniforms with golden things studded in their clothes possibly find and save his Harry?

The wizard nudged Hermione as an officer approached them with a clipboard.

"Well?" Tom demanded

"Ahem," said the sandy-haired man, trying to look dignified. "We have something to tell you."

"Well, what is it?" pressed Hermione.

"Well…" began the officer. "It seems that the boy – er, Harry, has been kidnapped by a woman, because the kitchen smells strongly of perfume. There also appears to be no sign of struggle."

"…It took you two hours to figure that out?" Tom deadpanned. "My boyfriend could be dead right now, and all you can say is that there's been no struggle?"

"No _sign_ of struggle," corrected the officer.

Hermione tugged on Tom sleeve.

"Let's go take a walk," she murmured. _Before you lose your temper…_

Voldemort, reading the Muggleborn's thoughts, let out a protesting 'hey!' but allowed her to drag him out the door.

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**I'm not even going to ask...**


	7. Conversations

I have nothing to say about the extremely late update, I feel bad.

See the other chapters for the disclaimer...

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The Muggle Way

Chapter 7: Conversations

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Voldemort took Pluie from her cage and set her gently on the floor. The police officers had left hours ago, and Hermione was sleeping on the couch in the living room. Voldemort, convinced that he could find Harry and the kidnapper somehow, had decided to search for his lover with Pluie, the amazing sniffling hamster.

Voldemort sneaked downstairs, briefly wondering why he was acting like a thief in his own house. Pluie followed him, falling over every stair, but made it halfway down and Tom carried her for the rest of the way. The bottom stair creaked loudly and he winced, praying that Granger didn't wake up. A groan was heard from the couch. He froze.

"Tom, whe'e you going?" she said sleepily.

"Nowhere, just…throwing out the trash," he muttered.

Hermione sat up, stretching a bit. "You don't have any trash to throw out, Tom. The truck passed some time ago. What are you up to?"

"Er…Going to find Harry?" He decided to take a chance.

She sighed, staring at him. "Let the police do their job, Tom…"

"How could I?" he cries, wringing his hands. It was becoming a habit. "_Anyone_ could have him. Harry could be _dead _right now and you expect me to sleep?"

"They wouldn't kill him, Harry doesn't die that easily. You of all people should know that," Hermione said calmly.

"They didn't ask for a ransom yet," he pointed out.

"No, they haven't. Do you know anyone who might kidnap him?" she asked, stepping over to the Dark Lord.

"The Death Eaters wouldn't, the Weasley's don't know, Dumbledore has no clue," Tom answered, ticking off three fingers.

"I don't know either."

"Let's go look for him," he suggested hopefully.

"Why would you need me?" asked Hermione, suspicious.

"…because I know nothing about this Muggle stuff," he admitted.

After a while, Hermione answered: "Alright, but nothing dangerous, okay?"

"Fine," he agreed curtly.

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"I don't know how to use a gun!" Tom protested.

"Just try, okay?" she tried to reason with him. "Besides, Harry would like it if you did it the Muggle way."

"That's besides the point! I'm using my wand. I've had enough of this Muggle stuff," he growled, grabbing his wand and shoving the gun aside.

Hermione sighed; Dark Wizards were so hopeless sometimes…

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They sneaked down the street, trying to look casual. Pluie was in Tom's coat pocket, sniffing incessantly as usual. Tom held an umbrella, and rain dripped down around them. The street lights shone dimly and the wet road reflected the light, making the entire scene seem like a mystery movie.

"So where do we start looking?" Hermione muttered to him out of the corner of her mouth.

"…how should I know!"

"You're his boyfriend…"

"Your point is?" He stared at her.

"Never mind," she mumbled. This would take a _long_ time…

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Like I said, nothing to say...


	8. Pursuit

Disclaimer: I don't own any frigging thing..

The Muggle Way: Chapter 8 Pursuit

The two were still wandering the rainy streets when the sun began to rise. Pluie had been sleeping in Tom's pocket; Hermione had been leaning on Tom's shoulder, half awake, and Voldemort had been walking tiredly, supporting all three of them. He just _had_ to find Harry. So, of course, it was no surprise that they finally ended up in Harry's relatives' area after an entire night of walking. Frankly, Tom had no idea how they ended up there, but he recognized this place. After all, the Order weren't the only people who spied on Harry during the summer.

With the sun rising slowly and a light bit of rain still spattering here and there, he turned at random street corners, walked around a few blocks, having to shake Hermione awake every half a minute or so. It wasn't long before he heard a pair of floppy slippers flap after them. Thinking that it was just some stranger, he continued walking, but when he had turned too many times and went around the same black four times and the person with the slippers continued to follow him, Tom began to have his doubts.

The Dark Lord turned around at stared. It was an old lady, wearing a housecoat and carpet slippers. Bewildered but not going to show it, he spoke: "And you would be?"

"Arabella Figg," she replied nastily. "An' I know who you are, now. Yer Tom Riddle, aren't ye?" Tom raised en eyebrow. "Oh yes, I know who you are. Yer been trying to corrupt poor Harry!"

And with that, she charged at him, slippers and all.

Sputtering, he looked at Hermione who was still on his shoulder and jumped aside so the woman missed him, making Hermione lose her balance and nearly falling on the wet sidewalk.

"Wha-? I -" Hermione waved her arms around frantically before regaining her balance. Fully awake now, she stared at Tom, then at Mrs. Figg, confused but very much awake.

"It's a good thing I got poor Harry before you lot did anything too bad to him," she yelled, running away.

Tom blinked a few times before realizing that the squib was Harry's kidnapper. Eyes widening, he threw aside the umbrella and ran after her, leaving Hermione all alone on the sidewalk.

---A few minutes of chasing later---

Arabella Figg slammed her door after her, making the walls rattle. She panted, leaning on the locked door and closing her eyes, trying to figure out whether Tom was still chasing after her.

"Alohomora," she heard behind her, and before she realized what was going on, the door behind her opened with a click and she fell, right onto Tom, knocking him to the floor.

"Erm…" This wasn't how Mrs. Figg had planned the whole thing.

Tom grabbed her shoulders and pushed her off, glaring daggers at the old lady.

"Where's Harry?" he snarled, grabbing Mrs. Figg by the collar of her coat and ignoring Hermione who was only just running up the driveway.

Arabella gulped. So this was why the man was much feared in the Wizarding world. "In the basement," she said in a high voice that didn't suit her very well. Hermione, behind them, thought that the voice might have been because of the fear.

* * *

The site was messed up so I couldn't update. I actually had this written and ready last Fried-Day...mutters Review? Please? 


	9. Exposure

**The Muggle Way**

**Chapter 9: Exposure**

Yes, it's finally an update after so long!

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Tom Riddle bolted into the house, stumbling into every door in search of the basement. "Harry?" he yelled hopefully and yet desperately. He scrambled across the floor and slammed open a door, nearly falling down a flight of stairs. He descended the stairs as fast as he could, jumping over the last few like an overexcited seven-year-old trying to impress his friends. The carpeted stairs creaked and groaned under his feet and only had a few seconds of rest before two more pairs of feet trampled them again, this time Figg's and Hermione's.

"Harry?" Tom's loud voice echoed in the dimly-lit basement. Tom whipped into a defensive stance as he heard muffled banging coming from his left. Realizing that it was Harry, he rushed to the door and fumbled with it before opening it wide, only to see another pair of doors. He tried each one at the speed of dark, and not light, to realize that one of them was locked.

"Alohomora!" he breathed, the door clicking open under his trembling hands. "HARRY!" he screamed, tackling his frantic lover.

Harry looked the same as ever, but a bit surprised when a screaming Tom glomped him and knocked the breath out of him. They crashed to the floor and Harry let Tom hug him for a few seconds. That is, until Figg piled herself on top of them and tried to get Tom off. "Get you him, ye evil fuzzledolt! Get _off_ him, I say!"

Tom ignored this; he just buried his nose in Harry's hair, breathing in the smell that only Harry could have.

Hermione watched all this with the patience of a caterpillar crawling slowly. She just stood there, staring at the lot of them of the floor as if they were a colony of adders in winter.

"Wha-? Mrs. Figg!" Harry protested, laughing nervously as he clung to Tom.

"No!" the lady screeched, reminding Hermione of a banshee. "Yeh evil basteerd!" she yelled to a very bewildered and annoyed Tom. "Yeh corrupted poor Harry! Yeh…yeh made 'im buy an evil 'amster, yeh basteerd! Huh-how could _you_ do somethin' so 'orrible!" She broke down in sobs, her back heaving as she slid to the floor unceremoniously.

"…" Tom blinked at Figg slowly several times uncomprehendingly.

There was a bizarrely long pause of silence before Harry snapped it like a twig by bursting out laughing. "A…a hamster? Th-that's why you kidnapped me?" he asked in a choked voice as tears of crazy laughter leaked out of his scrunched up eyes.

"See?" Figg demanded, sobbing her heart out. "He thinks it's _funny_!"

"…It is," Tom muttered, concerned for his mental safety for the first time in many years.

The old woman gasped in offence, her mouth agape. At least the tears have stopped. "Tis _not_ funny!"

"Arabella…" Hermione coughed, looking slightly embarrassed as she laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'll have to agree with them on this…"

"Yer all crazy, the whole lot of you!" Figg screeched, her tears forgotten. She tried to get up to her feet but only succeeded in tripping over her old-fashioned slippers.

"Er…Mrs.Figg…" Harry began timidly with a glance at Tom. "I…wanted to buy the hamster, you know. Tom didn't have anything to do with it, so…"

"B-but…after all I've taught you when you were a little kid?" Figg stammered, thoroughly shocked. "After all those nights showing you all my darlin' cats? How _could_ you, Harry?"

Harry flushed, her face becoming steadily red. "Well, Tom wouldn't get me anything else, not even a fish, see…"

Mrs. Figg brought both hands to the floor with an angry slam. "Fish? Fish?" she shrieked shrilly. "FISH? Dey are the most evil creatures that walk zee land! Even worse than 'amsters! Mister Tom, I have misjudged you, thank ye so much fer protectin' Harry from zee fish!" Stumbling, she helped Tom up as well as Harry, and ushered them up the stairs and to the door. "My apologies fer _everything_, feel free to drop by anytime, anytime at all, and we'll all have a nice long chat. Ciao now!" she said cheerily before closing the front door.

"…O…kay," Tom muttered, staring at the closed door.

"Let's go home," Harry murmured, snuggling into Tom's chest. "And forget this all happened."

"Let's," Tom agreed, walking down the driveway.

Hermione stared at the happy couple, shaking away the thought that this was just like a sappy movie ending.

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**Sappy movie ending indeed. Maybe you'll get a bonus chapter to fill the void if you review! **


	10. Birthday

**The Muggle Way, Chapter Ten: Birthday**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything...

A/N: Yes, it's the last chapter!

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Hermione Granger burst into the house. She knew that Tom wasn't there, for the black car he had bought two weeks was not on the steep driveway. She only hoped that Harry had remained in the house, but told herself not to count on it, since Harry _was_ Tom's lover. Climbing up the stairs that led up to the master bedroom, she let out a breath of relief as she saw Harry looking out the window.

"Have you come to tell me about my surprise party too?" he asked, glancing at her with a smug grin.

Drawing in a breath, she was about to begin her speech when she caught herself. "What? How did you know?"

"Well, let's see," said Harry, holding up his hand and counting off the fingers. "Remus, Fred, and George came to tell me yesterday, Dean emailed me about it this morning, Draco just left a while ago with Neville, and now you're here. For some reason everyone thinks I should know about it in advance."

Hermione sat down on the bed, surprised. "But you _have_ to be surprised, Harry, Tom worked so hard at it," she tried to explain.

"Oh, I know," he said cheerfully. "Personally, I can't wait."

---The Next Day---

Harry opened the front door, just returning from the stroll Tom had suggested he go on. A red-and-gold balloon charged at him and bounced off his face, knocking his glasses askew. "What the - ?"

"SURPRISE!" everybody shouted gleefully. Tom was standing in the middle of the crowd, beaming like he had never beamed before. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HARRY!"

Harry widened his eyes and clapped his hands together. "I…wow, you guys, I can't believe…" his surprise became real when he laid his eyes on a giant mountain of presents. "FOR ME?" he yelled, jumping into Tom's arms.

"_Just_ for you," the Dark Lord grinned before crushing his mouth to Harry's. Behind them and out of Voldemort's view, Neville, Dean, Fred and George high-fived and cracked up silently, making Draco sigh and roll his eyes. Remus chuckled at the sight, smiling. Hermione just stood there, glaring at the whole lot of them for ruining the surprise for Harry, never mind the fact that she had wanted to do just that. A few others grinning happily like idiots, watching them kiss.

---A While Later---

Harry sat there as a bunch of presents were shoved onto him. He laughed helplessly, picking one up at random.

"That's mine!" Dean said excitedly. "Open it first, Harry!"

Stomping down the bubbly excited feeling, the Boy-Who-Lived unfolded the red wrapping paper and opened the box. "Wow, you got me a laptop!" he exclaimed as he hugged the Muggle-Born (the main reason he was invited to the party).

"Happy b-day, Harry!" Dean said happily.

Tom came around suspiciously. "What's a b-day?" he asked with his eyes narrowed.

"…"

---Some Time Later---

BBBBBDFFFFFTTT!

"…"

Everyone cracked up simultaneously at the loud farting sound. Fred and George grinned at each other and smirked, watching Tom jump up to throw the whoopie cushion onto the floor.

"Who - " Tom began loudly.

"Here, Tom, check this out!"

A small black kaleidoscope was shoved into his face and the Dark Lord had no choice but to peer inside it and –

WHACK!

Remus fell over laughing at the sight of Voldemort being punched in the eye with a painted stuffed glove. Tom clutched at his eye socket, feeling greasy wetness on his hand. Looking at it with his good eye, he saw that it was some sort of black paint.

"Muggle permanent ink!" Fred exclaimed, tossing his head back with a laugh. "That'll stay on for weeks with the charm we used on it!"

Furious, Tom whipped out his wand. "Crucio!" To his shock and dismay, the wand turned into a live, squawking chicken and feathers fell all around him as he attempted to control the wild flapping wings. Finally, he saw the sense in letting it go and the chicken fell to the floor, running from the room.

"You - !" Tom began again in a voice that was becoming high-pitched.

"Tom?" Harry peered into the room, wearing the new green shirt that said 'Voldy's Little Monkey' in bright pink, given to him by Neville and made by Neville's Gran. The shirt was supposed to glow in the dark. What Neville and Harry didn't know was that the shirt also glowed whenever 'Voldy' was around. "I heard something and -" He cut himself off. "Why do you have feathers all over you? And why is half your face all black?" He looked around; everyone's face seemed to be red (from laughter, though the Boy-Who-Lived didn't know that). "Tom, you didn't start torturing them _again_, did you?"

---Nighttime---

"Did you like today, Harry?" Tom asked gently as he leaned on the doorframe.

The green-eyed boy turned slightly and nodded, grinning ear to ear. "Couldn't have been better," he breathed.

Voldemort smiled a little. "I'm glad," he said, stepping over to Harry and helping him up. "I haven't given you a present yet," he murmured, looking into the boy's verdant eyes curiously.

"The party was more than enough," Harry answered softly as he snuggled into Tom's chest. "I love you."

"I know, darling." He took Harry's head between his hands and took a long look at him before pressing his lips to the other's mouth gently. The kiss began sweetly and Harry shifted slightly and moved his mouth upwards just a bit, nibbling at Tom's upper lip. Letting out a tiny sigh of comfort, he slipped his tongue into Voldemort's mouth and licked his gums. Tom 'mmhm'ed and caressed Harry tongue with his own as he drowned into the kiss. When they broke apart, they were no longer aware of the deck they were standing on, they couldn't feel the warm gentle air, none of them saw the summer moon that hung above them.

"I love you too," Tom whispered as they slid down to the wooden floor of the balcony. "You and no one else." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "How's this for a present?"

Harry snatched the scroll from Tom's hands and untied the piece of string eagerly. "A treasure hunt?" he laughed, scrambling up. "And it's in our yard, too!" he exclaimed as he recognized the messy drawing as the three trees on the side of their property.

"Yep…"

"Eight paces north…" Harry began to search for the treasure.

---Many clues, hints and paces later---

"It's here, it's here!" Harry screamed, pointing to the tiny pond that Tom had somehow managed to construct the Muggle way when they first bought the large house.

Tom gave a small nod and approached Harry with a smile. "I don't see it," he teased.

"I do!" Harry reached into the shallow water and took out a small jeweled silver box.

"Well, let's see what it is then."

Harry held his breath and opened the pretty box. Inside, there was a…ring?

"Will you marry me, Harry?" Tom murmured, taking the ring out of its velvet nest. The band of white gold glinted in the moonlight and the tiny diamonds studded into the ring seemed to glow, but the shine that caught Harry's eyes was the small ruby heart and the tiny emerald snake around it.

Harry held his breath for a long heartbeat. "Yes." His voice was no louder than a whisper and it quivered like the tear that was threatening to break free. "Yes, Tom."

Tom kissed the heart on the ring before slipping it onto Harry's outstretched finger. "We are _not_ having the wedding the Muggle way," he said mock-firmly as he wiped away the tear that trickled down Harry's cheek with a smile.

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**So The Muggle Way has come to an end. Or has it? Thanks to those who have read this story and reviewed. A big plate of muffins to the reviewers!**

**P.S. You never know when I might add a mini-chapter or two, for the Muggles' sake... **


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